Healed From Hate

Barbara Kouba had the perfect life as a young girl. She loved life and was in total love with creation itself. She went to a Catholic School, and even though one year she found herself in the principal's office way too often, she still considered herself to be a good girl, who just liked to peer over the other side of the line every once in a while. Most of all, Barbara was a very happy person who loved God dearly... until a walk she took within four walls, would not only change her outlook on life, but also her relationship with God.


At 18 years old, Barbara noticed she started getting abnormal bruising- if she sat down too hard, she would bruise the whole top part of her back, she'd notice bruises pop up all over her, and didn't know when or how she got them. It turned out she had a blood disorder, and so she was admitted to a huge research hospital. She was so sick at the beginning, that she never left her room, it wasn't until she started getting better, that she was strong enough to take the first walk outside of her room- this is the walk that would change her life forever.


Barbara was in the children's ward, where they housed patients from newborn to 19 years old. The walk around her end of the ward, was about a block wide. As she walked down the hall, this young woman who dearly loves kids, and wanted about 12 kids of her own, did not hear the normal laughter and play of children- instead she heard their screams, cries and the horrid stories that went along with them. Newborns with tiny bodies, and heads as big as a basketball, or only as big as a lightbulb, a little girl they called the bionic girl, because she drank a bottle of drano, which ate up her insides; every kind of horror story imaginable, Barbara heard and seen. Her heart broke into pieces on that one walk- her security walls came crumbling down, and Barbara crumbled with them.


Barbara closed the door on God. She couldn't understand how or why she was getting better, when so many other innocent children suffered and died. She began to hate God and called him a sadistic monster. She questioned, "Why God?" as so many of us have done. Because of this she sank into a deep depression with over-flowing anger. She found herself lashing out at everyone- she didn't understand how nothing had changed, when everything seemed to change within her. Barbara couldn't understand why she was alive, she didn't understand her deep, seething anger. As her anger grew, so did her mental problems. She had a complete mental and spiritual breakdown, and was admitted to a mental hospital. There she stayed heavily medicated, sinking deeper into her hate-filled void. They treated her with insulin shock treatments, shock treatments, medicated several times a day- she felt like she was a walking zombie.


One day she went into a quiet room- basically a padded room. She sat in a corner, totally over-whelmed, when she heard a voice, "I love you. I am proud of you." She looked around, this was not a thought that came from her, she still hated herself. The words were repeated- and she knew these were words coming from God. He told her there was much for her to learn, that she needed to open her heart and let him back in, that he would no longer let her lock him out. There she sat having an internal conversation with God. He told her she had had enough suffering, it was time for it to end. She questioned God, "Why does my suffering have to end? The babies are still suffering." Again, God repeated she had much to learn, and that he loved her. All of a sudden all of the anguish and anger she had held in for so long, came pouring out, like a flood. She cried and cried. Still asking why, she told God that she still didn't understand and still couldn't love him. He answered, "That's okay. I'm a big God. I can take it. Anger can be turned into love." She said that it was a long process, there was no over-night healing. But God told her that everyday he would give her a gift, which will help her grow and learn. (Please see the video here: http://www.wordnet.tv/videos.htm It's the one at top, entitled 'Healed From Hate')

Barbara is now going on 54 years old, and she said she indeed has been given a gift from God, every single day. Every morning when Barbara wakes up, she says, "Okay God, what's going to be my gift today?"